It's the way relationships work. ?Often, people actively love not to show their partner that they love them, but to try to make sure their partner loves them in return. ?It becomes a cycle of insecurity vs. security. ?Your partner doesn't demonstrate their love for you for whatever reason. ?You feel insecure about your partner's love as a result, so you show more love in the order to remind them that you love them. ?This makes them feel secure in your love for them, so they don't feel motivated to show their love because they are secure in the relationship. ?
But you feel insecure, so you show more love. ?Consequently, they feel even more secure and continue to coast on not showing their love because everything feels great to them. ?Their love tank is full.
But your tank is empty, so you show more love hoping they'll reciprocate and draining your tank even more. ?Eventually there needs to be a change. ?My guess is that the most common results for you are: ?
1) ?You get in a ?fight or end the relationship seemingly out of the blue to your partner, telling them you don't think they love you. ?This is probably devastating to them because they think everything is fine.
2) ?You pull back emotionally. ?You become less expressive of you love and start to resent your partner. ?This usually leads to them becoming more expressive of their love (because they are now the insecure one in the pattern described above), which comforts you. ?You then return to your overly expressive ways and the pattern soon reverses to where your tank is again empty. ?And the cycle resumes again.
My advice: ?When you're in the midst of pulling back, be aware of why and talk to your partner about why you're doing it and what you need. ?Then, find a new, lower intensity manner and pace to express your love. ?
Think about it: ?If you always say "I Love You" before they do, it will never feel like they're really telling you they love you. ?It'll always seem merely reciprocal. ?I don't just mean the first time it's said, I mean upon first seeing them for the day, at the end of phone calls, etc... ?Squash the ADHD impulsivity and wait for your partner to tell you they love you. ?I bet they will. ? And if you hang up without it being said the first few times, know that they're feeling more insecure about it than you are. ?It'll work itself out and soon you'll both be expressing your love more evenly.
I'm not advocating you to play games here, I'm just trying to point out a likely pattern you're in and giving you a way to change it. ?Above all communicate with your partner about your needs. ?But know that there's a limit to the amount of neediness men can show in a relationship. Culturally, women can be as needy as they want. ?It's less so for men. ?If we get too needy, it damages the relationship. ?So if you're in the middle of one, it will take careful tuning to realign things to where you want them. ?
In the example above, you could say, "I feel like I never give you the chance to tell me you love me. ?That's unfair, because I know you do. ?So, I'm going to try to lay off saying it so much to give you the chance to bring it up." ?But I wouldn't go any further than that.
You might also want to read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. ?He's a Christian Minister, but the religious nature of the book is limited. ?I'm an agnostic Catholic and my wife is an atheist Jew and we both liked it. ?It really helped us communicate with regard to our needs. ?That's where I got the "Love Tank" metaphor, in fact.
Hope this helps.
Brendan
Source: http://adderworld.ning.com/xn/detail/2091449%3AComment%3A166739?xg_source=activity
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