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* Self Improvement and Personal Growth Weekly Newsletter *
Issue #710, Week of April 16-17, 2012
Publisher: David Riklan - http://www.SelfGrowth.com
In this issue:
-- Quotes of the Week
-- Recommended Resource of the Week
-- Article: How to Create Friction Free Relationships - By Sharon Melnick
-- Article: 10 Tips for Building Trust - By Charles A. Breeding
-- Book Review: Being Global: How to Think, Act, and Lead in a Transformed World - By Angela Carbrera and Gregory Unruh
-- Inspirational News Story of the Week
-- How to Subscribe and Unsubscribe from this Newsletter
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*** Quotes of the Week ***
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Go to the people. Learn from them. Live with them. Start with what they know. Build with what they have. The best of leaders when the job is done, when the task is accomplished, the people will say we have done it ourselves. - Lao Tzu, 6th Century BCE
Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day. - Thornton Wilder, 1897-1975
The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be. - Horace Bushnell, 1802-1876
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*** Recommended Resource of the Week ***
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* Fact: Life Coaches Earn An Average of $207 Per Hour. * What if you could start earning $207/hr in less than 90 days? "Being a life coach is one the fastest growing and most rewarding professions in the world." - Christy Whitman NYT Bestselling Author Selfgrowth readers now get exclusive access to six coaching "how-to" videos for free. |
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*** Article: How to Create Friction Free Relationships - By Sharon Melnick ***
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You have an awkward interaction with your friend. Do you blame her and wait for an apology, or do you proactively reach out to 'own' your part in it?
Your assistant does your marketing promotion wrong. Do you get irritated at her or do you calm yourself down before asking her to help you understand what went awry and how you can prevent it next time?
In the car, your spouse/partner is lost and aggravated, but won't stop to ask for directions. Do you snap at him to 'calm down' and remind him he 'always does this', or do you take out your iPhone GPS and make a 'note to self' to print out directions next time (thus averting the usual spat.)
Your answers depend on whether you follow the 50% rule. Usually you want to change what the other person is thinking and doing because it is annoying you or making you feel upset, and you think they 'shouldn't' do it that way.
The 50% rule is an approach to all relationships (romantic, business, parenting, friendship, family) in which you focus on being "impeccable for your 50% of the interaction". It's not about 'being nice' or 'giving in to keep the peace'. It's about taking responsibility for your part, relying on your own tools to get yourself into the right emotional state, and acting in a way that aligns with "who you want to be" in the relationship.
The benefits of being impeccable for your 50% are many: you walk away from the interaction feeling proud of yourself rather than guilty for lashing out. You preserve your relationship rather than chip away at it. You decrease the other's defensiveness so they are more likely to listen to you (and if they are not capable of much change, you are already 'in a good place' and thus detached from the ill effects of their behavior).
And this is the most important: you are 'in control'!
To try out the 50% rule, think of a relationship in your life you want to be better. Draw an imaginary line in between you and that person -- everything on one side is your 50% (what YOU think, how YOU feel, what YOU say, what YOU do), everything on the other is theirs.
Notice that what you have been doing until now in this relationship may be efforts that "cross the line". You may have been "taking on their 50%" (e.g., absorbing their negative energy, feeling responsible for their feelings, trying to rescue them) or getting them to act differently (e.g., blame them to get an apology; tell them they need to change; do favors for them hoping they will approve of you and appreciate you). The other person probably experiences your efforts as controlling and it may have backfired.
Instead, influence them to improve the interaction -- but stay within 'your side of the line.' There are so many possibilities; here are a few to practice:
1) Take charge of handling your own emotional response
It's so tempting to scream at the other person to "Calm Down!!!" When you are being impeccable for your 50%, you don't try to get the other person to relax, you focus on relaxing yourself (so that you can actually deal with the other person in a way that is more calm -- that will surely help them to relax!)
Before you snap at your spouse like in the example above, calm yourself down. Try a technique called "reverse breathing": breathe in slowly through your mouth and breathe out slowly through your nose (this calms your liver where your frustration accumulates). You should feel a cooling sensation across your tongue if you are doing it right. This technique is so powerful that you will notice a big difference within 10 to 30 seconds (it's so powerful I've stopped fights on the NYC subways with it)!
2) Accept others' level of evolution and work on yours!
Accept that others are generally doing what they do for good reason (at least within their own worldview). Know that whenever people are being rigid it's usually because they are stuck on an emotionally unresolved issue that deep down makes them feel bad about themselves (even though it's not apparent to them). If this is the case, then expecting the person to come around and apologize is a lost cause. Instead of assuming your friend is a jerk, think through what you did before or after their awkward behavior that might have contributed to the breakdown, and take responsibility by clarifying and apologizing for your part.
By doing this you have cleared your conscience and smoothed the way for them to come back with a constructive response. If she doesn't, its 'proof' that there is something going on in 'her 50%' that has little to do with you, and though it might be sad for you, she is essentially showing you her ability to deal with her feelings. Staying mad at her for not being more evolved goes nowhere; instead focus on your 50% and how you set yourself up to be hurt by hoping she would be more capable of being the friend you desire.
3) Be bulletproof in your word and deed
Instead of blaming others, put your attention on communicating clearly so you can't be misunderstood. Focus on using a tone that is motivating and respectful (e.g., say "help me understand what broke down here" instead of "you did this wrong"). Focus on noticing what the other person is doing right and let them know. Don't give unclear directions and then blame your assistant/business partner for not producing what you wanted.
As you "say what you mean and mean what you say" but your assistant/business partner doesn't, it becomes very clear with whom the "problem" lies and who is going to need to change as part of the solution. It shifts the balance of power and gives you strong leverage in negotiation -- others cannot point a finger back at you, they must take responsibility or you will choose not to work with them.
In short, take 100% responsibility for your 50%. Decide who 'you want to be' in the interaction and focus on being HER! The irony is that by concerning yourself with your own 50%, you raise the odds of getting the other person to act how you want them to act. Enjoy the power of being 'in control' without being controlling!** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Sharon Melnick, Ph.D., the SelfGrowth.com Official Guide to Stress Management, helps talented and successful people get out of their own way. She is the 'go to' expert for the American Management Association, Monster.com, and Success Television, and has worked with numerous business owners and corporate professionals at organizations such as Deutsche Bank, Oracle Corp, Deloitte Consulting, Visiting Nurse's Service NY etc. To eliminate your frustration and make work and family interactions go smoothly and easily, get a free excerpt of my new Friction Free Relationships program at http://www.sharonmelnick.com or get the full skillset for yourself with a year-end $200 savings.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/guide/sharonmelnick.html?
* Fact: Life Coaches Earn An Average of $207 Per Hour. * What if you could start earning $207/hr in less than 90 days? "Being a life coach is one the fastest growing and most rewarding professions in the world." - Christy Whitman NYT Bestselling Author Selfgrowth readers now get exclusive access to six coaching "how-to" videos for free. |
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*** Article: 10 Tips for Building Trust - By Charles A. Breeding ***
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One day last January, I watched as eight inches of snow piled up one morning. My neighbor, Gene proceeds to go out and shovel his driveway. It must've taken him an hour of back-breaking work. Then surprisingly, I watch him as he walks to my yard and shovel MY driveway -- it took him over an hour!
Now, if Gene ever needs a "favor" from me, he has it -- yes? Although he didn't do it for this reason, by selflessly giving to others, you sort of create an invisible 'bank account' -- if you never give of yourself or your time or money, don't expect much of the same in return.
Tip# 1: Build a reputation for benevolence, or doing something kind, helpful or useful for someone else.
Practice doing something for someone else every day for no apparent (ulterior motive) reason, and watch your trust build -- it could be as simple as a handwritten thank you note. Ever see the movie, "Pay It Forward?" If not, go rent it and watch it for a good example of this tip and principle.
You can feel a sense of benevolence in many ways, some of which include:
? They consistently put your interests ahead of their own.
? They ensure that in any conflict, you'll feel as if you came out better than they did, even if they had to lose something in order to reach a consensus.
? They under-promise and over-deliver.
? They have a "servant attitude" -- it is clear that they are there to serve others, and if you needed someone at a crucial time, you could count on them.
Tip# 2: Become more competent every day.
Think about this: You're either 'green and growing' as a person, or 'ripe and rotting.' Embrace lifelong learning. Realize that besides your faith, the biggest contributor to an increased sense of HOPE is continuing education, seminars, books, etc. Competence breeds trust!
Tip# 3: Remember that a decision sets you free!
Mike Litman says that more is lost in indecision, than in making the wrong decision. You have to trust yourself, once you've done the research, to make a decision. Like Nike says, "Just Do It."
Procrastination kills countless great ideas. The achievers of this world treat 'mistakes' NOT as failures, but as learning lessons. Like Mike Litman also says, "Don't get it perfectly right, just get it going!" Be willing to trust your gut, guys - or your intuition, ladies more than you do today.
Tip# 4: Walk your talk.
Remember when you mother or father would say something that you shouldn't do, and then do it themselves? A lack of congruence -- a match between what you say and DO -- is critically important to building and maintaining trust. Consistency breeds trust. Be very slow and careful about what you promise. Under-promise and you'll over-deliver and build trust.
Tip# 5: Be transparent -- be authentic and genuine, with no 'masks.'
Like it or not, we all tend to wear a sort-of "mask" or fa?ade, depending on the situation and people we find ourselves. In my experience, those people who are most transparent about their true intent tend to be trusted the most. They don't play games; they don't behave differently in one situation or another. They are also open to being vulnerable, sharing their emotions, deepest thoughts or important life wisdom.
Tip# 6: Have unquestionable integrity.
This is a HUGE problem in the world today. I have someone at least once a week tell me a story of how they can't find honorable, trustworthy employees to hire. You may not agree with me, but in my and others' opinions, there is a war going on between good and evil. You want greater trust with people? Great, then if you violate a sense of ethics or morality, your boat is sunk. You have to be trusted at your word, period.
I graduated from West Point, the US Military Academy and served in the US Army. West Point's Honor Code reads, "I will not lie, cheat or steal NOR tolerate those who do." So, let's say you observe your work buddy lifting a few boxes of CD disks from the office supply room -- do you turn your back, or question him (and/or report him?) It's about doing the "harder right than the easier wrong." If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
Tip# 7: Create light by over-communicating.
True trust-building leaders communicate often and well so that people feel "in on things." Don't you like to feel like you're "IN on things," and rarely feel as if you've been left in the dark? Think of leaders that you've enjoyed working with in the past -- didn't they 'over-communicate,' constantly worked to make sure you felt in the loop, had seldom surprises because they saw communication as light in a dark room?
When you ask a child to do something, often they ask the simple question, "Why?" Adults are no different (we're all just grown-up kids) and they want to understand the reasons 'why' it should be done, or why in that manner.
Tip# 8: Be emotionally intelligent.
1. Take full responsibility for who you are, where you at right now in life, and no excuses or rationalization.
2. Admitting when they don't know something or better, surrounding themselves with very competent people in the areas that the leader is marginal or not an expert
3. Trusts others by delegating and empowering other people while not abdicating their own ultimate responsibility. They gently inspect what they expect.
4. Emotionally mature: when they make a mistake, they admit it quickly and sincerely.
Tip# 9: "Can I be honest with you?" is a great compliment to hear...
I have people constantly ask me, "Charlie can I be honest with you?" I sometimes say, "Well, of course ... but what you have been until this point in time -- dishonest?" What they are saying is one of several things:
? If I share this with you, will you keep in confidential?
? If I share this with you, will you also give me YOUR HONEST opinion (be careful)?
? This goes "against the grain" of what others are commonly thinking or saying, so here's how I really stand on this issue or question...
The point here is that people want to be honest with one another, but constantly are concerned about office politics, being politically correct and other generally unjustifiable concerns. If you're the type of person who commonly has people say to you, "Can I be honest with you?" it's a good sign that you're on the right path to being more trustworthy.
Tip# 10: When all else fails, remember that a thought of FEAR and a thought of FAITH or Courage cannot exist in the mind at the same time.
Probably the best, recent example of a benevolent company leader is the true story of a Massachusetts company whose manufacturing building burned to the ground, and whose owner continued payrolls until the plant was re-constructed. Loyalty breeds trust.
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here.
About the Author:
Charlie Breeding is President of Performance Improvement Institute, an Internet Information provider, publisher and professional speaking, coaching, consulting and training firm. Mr. Breeding is a graduate of the US Military Academy, West Point and has worked in the Performance Improvement area for over 23 years -- fifteen years with Dale Carnegie Training, and two years with Franklin Covey. His clients include colleges/ universities, non-for-profits, small, medium-sized and large organizations such as AT&T, Chrysler, and Lucent Technologies.
* Fact: Life Coaches Earn An Average of $207 Per Hour. * What if you could start earning $207/hr in less than 90 days? "Being a life coach is one the fastest growing and most rewarding professions in the world." - Christy Whitman NYT Bestselling Author Selfgrowth readers now get exclusive access to six coaching "how-to" videos for free. |
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*** Book Review: Being Global: How to Think, Act, and Lead in a Transformed World - By Angela Carbrera and Gregory Unruh ***
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What does it take to lead a global business?
What makes being a global business leader today such a complex task? It's more than mastering your knowledge of various geographies and cultures, though that is essential. But to succeed, you must also master the complex mind-set and competencies needed to lead in today's fully globalized world. Not an easy assignment.
Enter ?ngel Cabrera and Gregory Unruh. In Being Global, they pull from their extensive experience as well as research they conducted at the Thunderbird School of Global Management, which has been cited by the Financial Times, U.S. News and World Report, and The Economist for its authority on global business. In Being Global, Cabrera and Unruh define a new context for global leadership, vividly illustrating both the challenges and the opportunities facing today's executives. How can you be effective? What new skills must you learn in order to be successful? What do international teams do to stay connected while still producing results on a regional scale?
Being Global is written for leaders at all levels of their careers--whether in big business or small, private sector or government--who aspire to think and act globally and who need some help getting there. Being a global citizen is just the starting point. Cabrera and Unruh provide the tools and guidance to help you develop even deeper leadership skills, to benefit both you and your organization.
*****
The list price of this book is $30.00. To purchase it from Amazon at a price of $19.40, a 35% discount, go here.
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*** Inspirational News Story of the Week ***
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* Boy Robbed of Money for Wheelchair Basketball gets it Back -- and then Some *
A single act of selfishness by one stranger has resulted in thousands of selfless acts from strangers nationwide -- and surprised and delighted 12-year-old Nolan Turner.
Go here for the complete news story.
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